For any of you who read my introductory post, you'll know that one of my motivations for starting a personal blog was to document my dealings with worry and anxiety. I want to open up, share the experience and the positives with people and to learn about theirs too.
About a month or so ago, in the midst of a 'down' time (anxiety, stress, tiredness, low moods - the usual really), I realised that the amount of worry I experience just doesn't seem normal or healthy compared to the amount other people do.
In the meantime, the worry started to swallow me up more than ever; it seemed that by acknowledging it, the issue had come to the front of my mind. Without even taking real steps to fight it, I became terrified that I'd never overcome it and feel like my normal, human self again.
I started turning inwards, overanalysing myself, crying (a lot), sitting at my desk with palpitations and difficulty catching my breath. Despite the advice that opening up was the best way forward, I didn't want to, for fear of being a burden on other people and dragging them down too.
It got to the point that I couldn't take it any more and despite all my worries about it, I went to talk to my friend about what was going on. And it didn't change anything. But it felt so much better.
We talked again the next day and she told me that she and my other housemates had noticed a change in me lately.
Then it finally hit me that I'd changed. The lust for life and the curiosity had gone; it was like the life had been sucked out of me. I'd simply keep my head down and do what I had to do to get through to the next sleep.
The thought was always there, nagging away in the back of my mind that I really ought to do something, and not just feel sorry for myself, but I decided I was too tired to do much or that it'd just get better eventually.
It's now hit me that things aren't going to just get better on their own, instead I'm going to have to actively fight to get back to a reasonable state of mind. Tired of being tired and unhappy, I've decided that I'm reclaiming my head from the worry monster.
At one point, I was going to title this post 'The Only Way Is Up' but decided against it. The reason being, that this isn't just an upwards curve. but instead it's a huge zigzag of ups and downs of various sizes.
In the meantime since writing the first draft of the post I've had plenty of ups and downs, life interferences, tantrums, sleepless nights, cuddles, laughs, heart to hearts and revelations. Every day I know that this bastard thing's going to take some beating, but on a good day (like today) it's easier to see that there will be ups in the meantime. I just have to roll with the downs and learn how to not let them utterly consume me.
Short Term Goals:
- Eat better (more fruit and veg)
- Get some bloody exercise woman!
- Go outside when I feel too confined
- Take more breaks (as in at least one day a week of doing no/less work)
Long Term Goals:
Talk to people more
I find it bloody hard to talk to people, even my friends, about things that are bothering me. I've got a pretty good idea of why this is, but it's no good just dwelling on that. The only way to get over it is to bite the bullet and open up.
Drop my guard a little bit
Same vein as the last one. Not everyone's out to get you. Not everything you say is going to be repeated behind your back. And if they are, and if it is; who cares. Any arsehole doing it doesn't matter and anyone who does won't believe a word and will be on your side.
Cheer up Girl. It won't last forever.
Young Minds
RC Psych - Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Phobias
Talking Therapies Berkshire
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